I think that one of the hardest things about loosing a baby is that, as the time passes, most people forget. You can’t blame them, because there isn’t 80 years worth of funny memories and anecdotes to reminisce with, there’s 5 days of being at home in the ‘new baby’ blur and then 3 weeks in hospital as you slowly come to the realisation that your baby will not be coming home. Family visiting, because that will be the only chance they get and then? Then there’s the moment when you leave hospital for the last time, just the two of you, back home to return to being a family of three.

Over the last weeks or so I’ve been considering how our lives have turned out, I think I will always find this time of year difficult. Probably not so that you’d notice, but I reflect on things and think about the way things would have been. Last week, driving to placement, I wondered whether I would have ended up where I am now if we’d not lost Tilly? I’m not sure that I would have, because I would never have had that earth shattering realisation that there are so many people out there that do amazing things 24/7 and that, actually, I want to be one of them. What I focus on when I feel the grief creep up on me, which it still does every now and then, is focus on what Tilly is helping me to become: A empathetic and compassionate midwife and a mum who really values what she has.

Looking back, I don’t know how I got through the first months after Tilly died. I look back and it’s a bit of a blur of tears, anger, heartbreak (and maybe a little gin) but we’re here now and this is the family we are, and despite how we appear we take an extra little one wherever we go. She doesn’t define us, we haven’t become ‘the family whose baby died’ but she is still a really important part of our story and she has made me who I am today.

Happy birthday Tilly Grace 22.03.2012-24.04.2012

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