It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything but I’m almost at the end of my first year as a student midwife. It has been a brilliant but challenging year, in many ways. Every day dealing with women and families looking forward to the keenly anticipated delivery date or settling in at home with a new baby (or two)! On many occasions I’ve thought of Tilly and as I move on to year two I know this will happen more and more as I deal with women who have more complicated pregnancies. Perhaps I will come back to my blog, putting my feelings down, not pushing them away. Recognising that it’s okay to find things tough, that even though I feel nothing but joy for a new family, sometimes my heart still breaks. Knowing that it’s okay to feel someone’s pain when their journey doesn’t turn out how they had dreamed for so many months, but knowing that I’m doing everything I can to make it as bearable as possible. As a family we’ve come a long way in nearly three and a half years, I live my life as a tribute to Tilly, not in the shadow of her death.

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