Honestly, how do I feel twelve months on?

It feels a little like I shouldn’t talk about it because I should be okay now, over it, moved on, done with my grief. I don’t like to bring it up because I’m concerned you might think I’m being over dramatic or wallowing in self pity. I don’t want you to think that I’ve ‘failed’ because I’m not actually okay.

You see, it’s like this. I’m not always okay. I try to be okay and I’m making positive plans for the future but, sometimes, life feels like an uphill struggle. I feel exhausted and sometimes I would like someone to give me a day off, a day under the duvet to do what I should have a long time ago, just wallow and feel a little bit of self pity. I think that maybe I’ve not really dealt with my grief, I have done what I always do: I’ve just got on with it. I guess I should talk to someone but I’m not sure who, can a counsellor really relate to what I’ve been through? Friends? Family? GP? I’m not sure. Maybe I don’t need to talk, I just need to know that people are there for me. Sometimes I feel that I can’t bring it up because it feels like I’m the only one who wants to talk about it.

What you want to do if you were me? Talk? Hide? Ignore it?

Maybe next time you see me you’ll just give me a hug. Unchartered waters…

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