Archives for the month of: May, 2013

Honestly, how do I feel twelve months on?

It feels a little like I shouldn’t talk about it because I should be okay now, over it, moved on, done with my grief. I don’t like to bring it up because I’m concerned you might think I’m being over dramatic or wallowing in self pity. I don’t want you to think that I’ve ‘failed’ because I’m not actually okay.

You see, it’s like this. I’m not always okay. I try to be okay and I’m making positive plans for the future but, sometimes, life feels like an uphill struggle. I feel exhausted and sometimes I would like someone to give me a day off, a day under the duvet to do what I should have a long time ago, just wallow and feel a little bit of self pity. I think that maybe I’ve not really dealt with my grief, I have done what I always do: I’ve just got on with it. I guess I should talk to someone but I’m not sure who, can a counsellor really relate to what I’ve been through? Friends? Family? GP? I’m not sure. Maybe I don’t need to talk, I just need to know that people are there for me. Sometimes I feel that I can’t bring it up because it feels like I’m the only one who wants to talk about it.

What you want to do if you were me? Talk? Hide? Ignore it?

Maybe next time you see me you’ll just give me a hug. Unchartered waters…

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So, it looks like the running is back on and the first goal is the New Forest Marathon in September. Today it was wet and windy and I was feeling more coffee and cake than trainers and open road, but I went. On the days when I don’t fancy it, I think about why I’m doing what I’m doing and I know that once I’ve started I’ll feel loads better. Running gives me some time and space to reflect on what’s happened and it allows me time to work through my feelings in a space of my own. That said, sometimes I don’t think about anything at all, other than running.

You could always join me, there is also a New Forest Half Marathon. Try it…you might like it!

Sometimes is easy for me to think that everyone else has forgoten about Tilly, and I sometimes think that perhaps Russ never gives her a second thought. This weekend I have spent catching up with friends and family who I don’t see often, and I have discovered that its simply not the case. I think that in my heart, I know that it’s not really the case but sometimes I can still feel very isolated.

The more I talk to people, the more I realise that they are more worried about upsetting me than anything else or they are concerned about being upset themselves and then my being concerned about them. And that was something I noticed in the first few months after loosing Tilly, if I told someone what had happened, I often ended up apologising for upsetting them! So many people walking on egg shells around me, and me walking on egg shells around other people, what a strange nationality we are. Consider those nationalities that openly display their grief publicly and then consider me, an English girl, apologising because my baby had died. I think we could learn a great deal from other nations. And, do you know what, sometimes it okay if the you cry because I need someone to cry with. Oh, and if you have wine and chocolate, all the better!

I have passed some big mile stones lately and Russ and I are making some big decisions about our future. We can never have our baby girl back and we are now really seriously considering where this leaves us. Darcy is off to school in September and it will be then that I think I will feel that gaping hole that has been left in my heart open up once again and so as I move forward I am deciding what my future holds…