Archives for the month of: April, 2013

I remember it clearly, it was about half past five on Monday the 23rd of April. We had spent the day with Tilly, in a side room off of the main ward. Darcy had painted her hands and feet and we’d done some moulds of her tiny toes. The Chaplin had come to bless her. Then Mum & Dad had taken Darcy back home. The consultant came in, with Liz the nurse and I can still see it now. He asked “are you ready?”. Talk about a million dollar question, are you ready to say goodbye to this tiny bundle that you nurtured for nine months? Are you ready to go home without your baby? Are you ready to tell Darcy that her baby sister is never coming home? Are you ready to live you life in a way that you never imagined? We knew there was only one answer and that was yes. We knew that Tilly was only going to be with us for a short time, I can’t really pinpoint the moment when we knew but by the time it came for her treatment to be withdrawn we knew it was the only possible outcome. My heart was broken.

Will it ever mend? Not completely. There will always be a bit of it that Tilly took with her, when she finally stopped breathing, just after midnight on the 24th. One year ago today. Will I let it cast a shadow over my life? I hope not, I hope that I can live positively in her memory. You never know what’s around the corner. I still hurt. Everyday. And I will always think of her, and how she might be, of how Darcy is missing out on her little sister. Despite of that, I will still do the best I can to make both my girls proud of me.

Sometimes I feel lost, like no one else remembers. In my heart, I know you think of me, of my family. So if you do one little thing for us this week, light her a candle and remember Tilly because I am sure she is watching over us.

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Well, my leg has let me down and I will not be running next weekend (well not 26 miles anyway). I feel absolutely gutted, it’s so frustrating to get so close and then to be tripped up by such a minor injury. So, I have entered the New Forest Marathon in September and will be dragging a few people along to join me (mostly for the half I think). The good news is that St.George’s are happy to hold my place for next year, so now I’ll have no excuse for not running a sub 4:00!

For me, it has been about so much more than just running the marathon, the date is significant to me. Last year the marathon was the last weekend that Tilly was with us and I remember one of the nurses from the ward, Sophie, running. Running has given me focus and also some quiet reflection time which has been really helpful to me and for the last two weeks I’ve been a bit lost without it.

This week I will be easing myself back into my training, with my goal moved a bit further ahead.