I can say for certain that this was not the way I thought I would be spending Tilly’s first birthday, I imagined doing that thing we all do for first birthdays; throwing a party that is more for us than them, with cake they can’t eat, presents they haven’t asked for and friends they haven’t met! Sadly our day involved taking flowers to the church yard and darcy sending a balloon up to heaven. We did make a cake and Darcy wanted to sing happy birthday, a bitter sweet moment but lovely to share memories with her.

And so I wonder….will it ever get any easier? And when? Years 2, 3 or 4? I think there will always be moments when I can feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes. A memory, a kind comment or a thoughtful gesture. This week I have been able to remember Tilly’s birth like it was yesterday. The day was warm and sunny, Darcy and I went on a picnic to Hampton Court Palace with some friends. My close friend Sharon picking me up and asking if I was okay, my response was ‘I’m not sure, think I might be in labour but lets go!’. Tilly was born just after 10pm and we had to draft in an emergency baby sitter because I may have left it a little late calling Mum & Dad up for Darcy duty (they were a good 2 hours away). The next few days were tiring (Tilly never fed well) but having my two girls at home with me will be time I will cherish forever. Blissfully unaware, as we were, of what was just around the corner.

So, this evening I will hold on to those happy memories and light a candle for our beautiful angel and I ask you to do the same as you look for a beautful shining star in the sky and remember our beautiful baby Tilly.