Archives for the month of: March, 2013

The Good…

Yesterday’s coffee morning was a fantastic success, although if I’m completely honest I’m not sure I want to see another slice of cake for a very long time. The baking was amazing and people’s generosity overwhelming. We raised £444 which is a brilliant contribution, bringing the total to nearly £6000. Thank you to everyone who has made this possible.

The Bad…

So, this morning I set out to South Petherton in the bright spring(ish) sunshine to join their annual pre London Marathon 22 mile supported run. I got chatting to a lovely lady and off we went, I was feeling good and quietly confident until I pulled my calf at mile 2. I’m not ashamed to say there were a few tears as I called Russ to come and pick me up and hobbled back to the village. My first thought being ‘game over’. However, having iced it and taken some advice I’m hoping that its nothing too drastic and I should be up and running within the week. Please cross your fingers for me.

The Ugly…

What my tantrum will be if I get told I can’t run.

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“These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel’s tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies’ lazy dance.
I’ll let you know I’m with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts.
‘Cause even though I’m gone now,
We’ll never truly part.”
~Unknown

I can say for certain that this was not the way I thought I would be spending Tilly’s first birthday, I imagined doing that thing we all do for first birthdays; throwing a party that is more for us than them, with cake they can’t eat, presents they haven’t asked for and friends they haven’t met! Sadly our day involved taking flowers to the church yard and darcy sending a balloon up to heaven. We did make a cake and Darcy wanted to sing happy birthday, a bitter sweet moment but lovely to share memories with her.

And so I wonder….will it ever get any easier? And when? Years 2, 3 or 4? I think there will always be moments when I can feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes. A memory, a kind comment or a thoughtful gesture. This week I have been able to remember Tilly’s birth like it was yesterday. The day was warm and sunny, Darcy and I went on a picnic to Hampton Court Palace with some friends. My close friend Sharon picking me up and asking if I was okay, my response was ‘I’m not sure, think I might be in labour but lets go!’. Tilly was born just after 10pm and we had to draft in an emergency baby sitter because I may have left it a little late calling Mum & Dad up for Darcy duty (they were a good 2 hours away). The next few days were tiring (Tilly never fed well) but having my two girls at home with me will be time I will cherish forever. Blissfully unaware, as we were, of what was just around the corner.

So, this evening I will hold on to those happy memories and light a candle for our beautiful angel and I ask you to do the same as you look for a beautful shining star in the sky and remember our beautiful baby Tilly.

 

Now, I know that no one will ever say I am lucky. I’ve lost a baby. But I know that that’s not the norm, that the vast majority of pregnancies & births have the joyful outcome we expect. I know that Tilly had excellent care and that everything that could be done for her, was done for her. If her condition could have been prevented or cured it would have been. Comic Relief highlights that there are places in the world where this doesn’t happen, where loosing a baby would be unusual. Still heartbreaking, just more common place. The the price of two coffees in Starbucks, a life could be saved. A frightening reality.

People have been supportive of our cause, and tonight we’ll support this one. I also thinks this highlights how lucky we are, that our children don’t die needlessly and that we have the latest medical care, right on our doorstep.

Sometimes you just have to appreciate what you have.

This Sunday will be Mother’s Day. I am immensely sad because I should be enjoying Mother’s Day with two beautiful girls. However, through the unpredictable waves of sadness that I’ve been feeling I can still appreciate that I am lucky because I do have one beautiful girl to spend Mother’s Day with. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) made a suggestion that there should be a ‘I Would Like To Be A Mother Day’ and it struck me, there are lots of people who have lost quietly or may never have been able to have children but we will never know because its not something that we ever really talk about.

So, on Sunday take a moment to think of those who have lost or those who maybe have never had…

That is all.

…about how excited we were this time last year I find it hard to believe what’s happened to us. I think it’s going to be a tough couple of months and I am glad that I have the marathon to focus on, wallowing won’t help but I think that doing something positive and being able to give something back to St.George’s will. And it really helps when I know that there are people out there who still think of us and recognise and acknowledge that things are still tough. In a way I think the next couple of weeks could be some of the toughest yet. I’ve had more volunteers coming forward to do fundraising and some fantastic donations in the last week, telling us that they think of us often and that our story touches their heart in a way that makes them want to contribute. Amazing.

Today I saw Darcy with my friend Charlie’s baby, who is a few months younger than Tilly would be. He is beautiful and seeing the way Darcy is with him is heartwarming and heart breaking all at once. Seeing what Darcy is missing is one of the hardest things of all.

We will always be missing what might have been.

So, the running has been put on the back burner for a week as we’ve been living it up in the Alps having a lovely time although I always wonder what it would be like if we had Tilly with us…I’m sure she would have been giggling at her big sister skiing!

So, due to lack of running and cracking some Telemark turns I will be starting this week with and easy run on Tuesday and then ramping up the miles over the next ten days or so.

Fundraising wise I will be posting more details on our Easter coffee morning soon so watch is space and remember http://www.justgiving.com/tillysmarathon